No Win Situation
There are times that there are no win situations and living like this only gets worse as time goes on. At first he was just demanding more time. When I was taking care of our five kids, I was often overwhelmed because I didn’t have any help. I asked for help with them and he would start shouting orders to the kids to do things. Often the chores he assigned were not age appropriate, like telling a two year old to take the kitchen trash outside when the bag was as big as the two year old and the dumpster is out back in the alley. It is no wonder there was a trail of trash all the way to the dumpster. I need the help of their father, not a drill sergeant shouting orders.
Eventually we became alienated from our family and friends. We didn’t have people over to our house when he was home because we didn’t know what might happen. We didn’t visit the family either.
At first I thought that he loved me and he just wanted to spend time with me. He often threatened to leave only to unpack his bag as he lectured on how I made him so angry and that he only knew how to deal with me through his anger. I know that he didn’t want to leave and as I said, I really thought he loved me. But later I discovered that it wasn’t because he loved me that he was not wanting to leave, but he didn’t want to leave because he didn’t want to feel abandoned. He needed me there to do things for him and give him attention.
When the kids did something wrong and he got involved, he would discipline them. If I interfered because he was going overboard, he would then tell me that I had to choose between him and the kid. I couldn’t have both as long as there was a kid in the house that would not obey him. What parent asks another parent to choose between them and their kids? This is a no win situation. If I choose him, although it would temporarily diffuse the situation but then he would hold that against me. What kind of mother would choose someone over their kids? He would lose respect for me.
He wanted control but when I gave him control, he lost respect. If I tried to take control, then he would find faults with the things that I did and demean the things I did.
He wanted me to choose him, and if I did, it was never enough. If I didn’t, then it was an unpardonable sin and he would berate me, calling me all sorts of names.
Relationships are full of compromises, but never should it be one sided with one partner calling all the shots and the other taking orders. When faced with impossible choices, it may be time to reassess the situation. Impossible choices will always be a no win situation.